Saturday, September 4, 2010

father's day..... sucks

to me, father's day is a pain in the arse. i know i will burn in hell for muttering these words but i am not known for my holding back.
you see, the infrequent phonecalls i have with my father are all the same. i barely know him. i reconnected after many many years of lost contact. and i try really hard but i struggle to be honest with him & to be myself. i haven't told him we are going on a holiday because i don't want to seem extravagant. he lives very simply & has medical problems but of his own doing. i am trying hard not to sound harsh but i can't help him. i am glad to have contact with him as i see it makes him happy. and in some ways i am more like him than my mother. but our lives are vastly different. and he needs to help himself too. i always ring on special occasions but i have to psych myself up for it.
my step-father is lovely & i respect & love him in a different way. but he's not my father. i can talk more easly with him but it's still pretty superficial.
my the father of our 2 gorgeous boys & i know he deserves to be treated on father's day. but he's not into fuss & gifts & hoo-har. he was brought up in a harsh disjointed way & never really celebrated anything. it's taken me 15 years to constantly reinstill the importance of occasions & gift giving for our own family traditions. he has no father now & i know tomorrow will bring some inner sadness for him. he never knew his father. he only heard of his death after the fact. he was robbed of the chance to ever know him.
so, for us, it's more about writing words in card for my husband. something from the heart. and maybe a shirt from colorado...

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