playing dress-ups

it all started a few weeks ago when my eldest son needed an hawaiian shirt for a themed party - 14yo style. to my sheer disbelief there was not one piece of appropriate clothing to be found in our house. so i was off to ******** (opportunity/thrift store)  of course. & there it was in all it's glory. the perfect shirt for him. & hibiscus embellished billabong boardies in his size. what a find.....little did i know that my real life was about to be revealed to me.

after parting with my $6 for both items, somehow i was signed up to volunteer at the store once a month....starting on a tuesday. yes, of course i'd love to. yes the 13th sounds fine. in the bat of an eye i had agreed to volunteer in the middle of school holidays, with an already overloaded schedule, a husband interstate that day & not energy enough to even shake my head. how did that happen? shit. i know i wanted to do more community service....but.....fuck, i can barely clothe myself on my rare days off of late. let alone cook, clean or have sex! now i am fucking volunteering at ********! shit, now i have to lie to them - the thrift store that do so much for the community.... i have an extra child that day & it will be physically impossible - for more than one reason.

how do i get myself into these situations?

so, it appears i am playing dress-ups. i am pretending to be a fabulous svelte little wife & mother, who homecooks every meal, has a spotless house, dresses in beautiful clothes, has an amazingly important & fulfilling  job & who never complains.

the truth is i am absolutely exhausted, can barely think about eating, let alone cooking or exercising. the 3 week growth on my legs is annoying even me. i have beard. my floors are filthy. i got my husband nigel's new book - overworked & underlaid - for bedtime reading to keep him busy (& to try & convince him he is not alone). i haven't cooked a meal in 4 nights. i can't be arsed in communicating with anyone. i have nothing to wear as our entire wardrobes sit unironed in the family room.....well, actually a few things are being ironed by my husband as i type. apparently the kids have been in the same clothes for 3 days now. no one has really noticed. or cares. they are boys who are happy to free-ball any chance they get. i have been at work, so it hasn't happened on my shift!

playing dress-ups is great when you actually have clothes to put on.

tomorrow i have to ring & lie to a charity organization. because i am stupid. & i seem to help everyone but me. & i have a patient husband who understands the need for space. & great kids. & i have booked in for a facial as soon as school is back. & i will try not to feel guilty. & i am officially banned from that particular thrift store....which is my fave for dress-ups. bugger....

not a morning person

i am sitting here with my second cup of coffee & my raspberry & almond muffin thinking...why didn't i put white chocolate chunks in these muffins?

if i was a morning person, i would've cleaned the toilets & showers by now & had the second load of washing on...but alas, i am not a morning person. it appears i am not a late night person either. i was falling asleep on the couch at 8.30 last night.....the joys of years shift work are finally depleting me.

it's been a year since i had a holiday...& in my line of work, that's about 11 months too long! well, it just seems unfair as i have worked all the school holidays in this time. i know i only work a pathetic few days a week, but it still counts. i am one of those mums that loves the holidays...until about the last week of the 8 week xmas break! i love the sleep-ins (having to wake one child at 10.30 this week was pretty funny), the hanging out, the catch ups, the pure relaxing of it all........yes, holidays are great for us non-morning peeps!

today is a day off & i need to make a list, so i actually achieve something. i have been a bit off my game on lists of late. it means i just float along not really achieving much of anything.

great news though...2 days in to a new gig at work & i am loving it. i may never want to return to the old me. maybe i will hang up my baby catching glove for good. this gig is much less messy & noisy, more delegating, more typing & less wiping than i ever imagined my work life to be...there may be no going back. who knew change would be so refreshing?? and clean...

**cupcake wrappers not mine...my memory escapes me - sorry!!

lost for words?

it would appear i don't have much to say of late...when in fact, i have a lot to say...but it's just too full of expletives to put here. do you have times like that too?

much has happened but not in the crafty goodness way that i would like. but there are some highlights with the lowlights...

i did get a hug from a giant white bunny at work on the weekend. i was truly excited until a colleague told me he was a real creep...then someone else said it was a girl...which i though was much better. relief? not sure. but the bunny gave me an egg! trust me. it was the highlight.

i got the news my brother left his (second) wife. deep down i felt it was good news as he hadn't seemed happy in years & i suspected she was part of that. lets just be discreet & say we are very different! but still a tough situation for the kids. he has a son with her & 2 teen girls with wife #1..the highlight for me was hearing my 15yo neice say well that's great dad as she was a real bitch anyway!! same neice is upset his birthday party this month is cancelled....even though it shouldn't be a highlight, my neice said what everyone else was thinking & that made it a highlight for me! & my brother & i have spoken more this fortnight than in total in the last 5 years. a highlight!

clarity at work. for my man & myself. all in the one week. exhausting & stressful. a pivotal moment when you realise that you need more challenges, leadership & support than can be given where you are & you choose the high road & embrace other challenges. with great people around. definitely a highlight.

end of term 1. we all made it. year 6 & 9 parent teacher interviews. definitely a highlight.

letting go.... of stuff. of friends that are unreliable & have moved on too. of clutter & noise. of preconceived ideas. of the hurt & anger. what a huge highlight....i feel 10kgs lighter. well i know i'm not. but i feel it!

the clogs....from anthropology. what a highlight in my search for clogs! aren't the beautiful...

newfound loves...

olive manna is one of my newfound loves. it's paper & textiles & delicious photos...go there for a peek. it is heaven to me. i need some cotton reels & stickers.... they are gorgeous!

the good fairy is another. of course the translation tool helps! norwegian has never been my best language. great retro fabric, crafting, scandi peeks & links...

armellejewelry is another...for all sorts of reasons. eye candy, food & kids stuff. as well as bling.
have a look. she has some great stuff.

all good

so, i survived another week.....i realised this boy worries me but he's ok. he is fussy but that's how he is. he sat up & ate pork belly (home cooked with love) & asian greens last night. maybe he's got good taste afterall.......

the boys tell me they visited little vietnam town yesterday....which was just really a suburb in our part of the world. we talked at dinner how fab & multicultural australia is. we all love it. we love the asian influence here & couldn't survive without it.

then i realised (not for the first time)....we are just not meat & three veg sort of people. maybe that's why my boy had a hard time with school camp food....it's old school. straight out of the 1980's. my boys have never eaten that sort of food.....it's foreign to them. like bali belly to some that travel to bali who are not familiar with their food.

so, he got bali belly. he's ok. i'm ok. we're all good.

lost it...

i think i have seriously lost the plot....the weekend was a blur of bile & sleep deprivation. our youngest got sick on school camp (again) & needed hard drugs to stop the bile vomits. i was greeted to this as i finished night duty friday morning....so, after 2 hours sleep i had a little green patient at home. he worries me as i think the anxiety around food starts it intially. but then it goes deep in his gut & before we know it, he cannot stop vomiting & we are at the doctor.

this child is a sensitive soul. and a very fussy eater. like i was before i left home. he likes boring plain old food....which no one else in the family likes. we eat loads of asian, indian, spicy foods. but not this kid. i must confess i sometimes wash a curry under the tap for him. to tone down the spice. friends alternate between hysterical laughter & total shock. i just got to the point where cooking 2 meals was just too much. and he needed to get with the program. he now will swallow a vitamin - a recent achievement.

dinner time for this kid has always been a dramatic event. different textures send him into a spin. he puked back some couscous last week. straight back onto his plate. it didn't reach his stomach. my calm reply? hun, just move your chicken away from the vomit & concentrate on the chicken.....is this too calm?

i alternate between hard arsed just eat it mum & totally whatever go to bed hungry mum....i have been trying to be calm about the food. blood tests a few years ago revealed nothing was wrong. but we are back at the gp for some input this week.

he is 10 now & in my mind, we should be on easy street when it comes to dinner. we eat healthy meals. my kids have not grown up on meat pies, soggy frozen vegies & tinned food....but apparently camp food is this sort of food. part of me likes that he cannot eat that crap. but he needs to try....he tells me it's the smell that gets to him. i don't blame him. that stuff stinks. but he cannot starve himself at camp.

he has improved.
he still swallows peas whole - so did i.
he will eat broccolini tiny bit by tiny bit.
he won't touch salad.
he eats chicken, meat, pork, fish (with my beer batter)
he eats potato, pasta & rice
he loves cheese
he eats apples & sometimes watermelon
he never eats sweets, lollies or cakes (only my choc chip muffins which he cooks with me)
the only orange thing he will eat is a cheezle.

am i losing it? does any other mother go through this? how does one gorgeous little person reduce me to tears with worry?

just breathe....

finally, a day off.
it's been crazy here for the last 10 days. course work to do, workshop talks to prepare, boy to get to camp, shifts & double shifts to get through, homework - for us all, debating workshops for one boy.....& the usual family business....& night duty is looming like a thunder cloud.
& the rain. o my, the rain!
i have just eaten a huge bowl of porridge for lunch. it was perfect.
i am ignoring all the mess, the washing & ironing, the cleaning....& i am just taking a few breaths today. catching up on computer things, browsing blogs, buying a few goodies online.
i bought a set of mounted photos from here. they look beautiful. this photo is one of them. i know just the wall to hang them.
just breathing now....